My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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