Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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