bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
