I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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