Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
