im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
