so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
