Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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