The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
