Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
