My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
