True but thats because hes a fetus.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
