yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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