You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
