Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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