I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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