i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
