I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
