My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I need to align my fucking chakras
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
