I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Randomize
