made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Watching her eat just hurts me
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
