Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
