My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
