Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
