There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
