I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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