I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
