im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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