Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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