You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
