Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
