i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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