I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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