i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
