I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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