wanna go halves on a baby?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
