Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
