The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
