I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
