I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
