it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
