dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
