he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
