I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
