You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
