Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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