I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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