They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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