Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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