Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
