I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
and you fell through a lawn chair
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
