well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
